Love me for who i am.

Last night was soo crazy.
My mom decided at the last moment to throw a party at like 1:00 am at our guest house and like 60 people showed up and we had like 2 kegs filled, beerbongs, and megaa amounts of pot. lol.
Hahaha, what an insane night gone right.
But what was I doing? in my bedroom, making audio recordings like an dumbass. lol.
couldn’t do what i wanted to because it didn’t feel right haha. 

Survey:) 

Did anyone make you smile last night?
-yes. <3, indeeed.

Did anyone make you cry last night?
-not last NIGHT, but yesterday, yes.

The reason for the sun, clouds, and the rain?
-i don’t know how to answer this, but whatever.
Sun: have a bright day. :)
Clouds: Go get cotton candy. hahaha.
Rain: You can stand outside and cry like no other but still not be noticed that you are.

Are you waiting for something?
-Yes. always.

What are you afraid of?
-that things will never be the same again..

Why?
-because then I have to leave.

If you can describe some of your most deepest feelings what would it be?
-It’s become a everyday routine that I cry, then smile, then cry, then fall asleep.
This has been the same for the whole entire month and more. I cried so much that when my tears start falling down on my face, my skin burns.  My insides are screwed up, and burned up, and I thought that there was no possible way that my heart can be in such a deep stage. I told myself to forget him, so many times, and so many times i failed and i break apart. I tell myself to forget him, but his appearance is stuck with me permanently. It hurts knowing that even if I leave, he will be fine in a little while. I stare at my cellphone expecting a call because of the past but my brain tells me that it’s the present and that won’t happen any longer. I can’t sleep for more than three hours at a time, I have nightmares. I wake up and i’m completely soaked, and I didn’t even know you can cry during your sleep. I wake up, sit up, lean my back on the wall and stay there until I have to do anything. I stare at one single thing, my cellphone. Every phone call I get, I am expecting “hubby<3” but it always ends up being other people. By the time I get to answering my phone, I’m bawling. I wish I can move on, but I know that I won’t allow myself to. Because right now, it has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with the twins and the relationship. It feels like someone gave my heart an ice cube and shattered it.

How are you feeling right now since you let that out?
-still the same, nothing changed.
it’s still reality.

Are you afraid that it will stay the same?
-everyday.

Is it a happy feeling?
-oh definitely.
NOT.

Is it a depressing feelings?
-yes.

Do you know that skittles make you happy?
-i don’t like skittles.
I can’t feel the rainbow.

If you were to die right now, would you pleased with the way you lived your life?
-if i die after december 9th, then fuck yeah.
get me the fuck out of here. :)

Are you hungry?
-nope, i haven’t eaten in like freaking foreverrr.

Are you thirsty?
-i swear to god, i’m addicted to sodas now.
thanks logan.

Are you cold?
-a cold person? yeah.
and i’m physically cold haha.

If you had to tell someone to f*** off, would you?
- in a heartttt beat.
hahaha, idc about disrespect anymore.
fuck that, i’ve got twins, they can all fuck off.